Quotes to read when you are bored. 
“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead.”
Woody Allen.
“I like children – fried.”
WC Fields.
“Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.”
Jim Carrey.
“Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can’t remember what they are.”
Matt Lauer (on NBC’s Today Show).
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
Steven Wright (…more Steven Wright Quotes).
“Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can’t believe I paid ninety-six dollars and I’m still hungry.”
Mike Kalin.
“Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favourite food is seconds.”
Joan Rivers.
“A winkle is just a bogey with a crash helmet on.”
Mick Miller.
“I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.”
Eddie Izzard.
“I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
Steven Wright.
“We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”
Dan Quayle.
“I’m a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed.”
Bruce Lee.
“What’s on your mind, if you’ll forgive the overstatement?”
Fred Allen.
“Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?”
John Mendosa.
“Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.”
Will Rogers.
“College atheletes used to get a degree in bringing your pencil.”
Ruby Wax.
“If a man is a fool, you don’t train him out of being a fool by sending him to university. You merely turn him into a trained fool, ten times more dangerous.”
Desmond Bagley.
“Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.”
Pablo Picasso.
“Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.”
Rich Cook.
“Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.”
Rita May Brown.
“All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You’d be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.”
Isaac Asimov.
“To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.”
Paul Ehrlich.
“UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.”
Dennis Ritchie.
“The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.”
Al Goodman.
“The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit.”
Eric Porterfield.
