Disclaimer: I didn’t write this entertaining article.

Warning!  CONTAINS: Humorous grammar: (N.) A term that describes funny non-words. <–[Like that one.]

HOW TO STOP BEARS

This is something funny, completely ridiculous, and UNTRUE, so don’t get smart and search for bears just so you can try and stop them! A good plan for not death is to avoid bears.

So, you’ve got a bear comin’ atcha’. What you gonna do? Well…

Step 1:  Got a gun?–Bears respond to certain things, including explosions, earthquakes, and sharks. A good response is just to shoot the bear in the face.

Step 2: Don’t got a gun?–What are you doing? Trekking some woods, or trekking stars or something? You’re asking for trouble. Plus, if you’re an explorer, where is your gun? Seriously, you’re pretty incompetent.

Step 3: Looked for trouble and chickened out?–But if that’s the case, and you feel you don’t deserve to die (if you feel otherwise, see the article on dying effectively), then you need to use one of the more outlandish methods. The most popular of which is known as ”crab time!“. The basic principles of crab time! state that if you walk sideways, the bear can’t get you. Bears can’t walk sideways, and they’d have to turn. So when it turns to face you and then lunges again, just walk sideways again so the lunge misses.

–Handling Exotic Types:

Step 4: So you got a white one?–There are many differences between your average grizzly bear and a polar bear, but the only one worthy of note is that a polar bear is white. With that in mind, you can pretty much use your pre-existing knowledge. But it can use snow, which pretty much rivals that which I have already written. Besides, if a polar bear shuts its eyes and mouth, then digs one paw into the snow while it holds the other over its nose – it turns invisible. When dealing with an invisible foe, there is only one logical solution: urinate everywhere. This will reveal the bear amongst the white blur and allow you to avoid or shoot (assuming you brought a gun this time.). 

Step 5: Dang! White and black?!–The rules don’t apply to panda bears because they’re completely harmless. Killing them is made much easier as a result.

Step 6: Classical Brown?–Teddy Bears are ferocious killers, and they walk on two legs. They’re afraid of fire, which can be used to subdue them. Often tribes of teddy bears have different weaknesses, but usually these are written down on a tag on the back of the leg or tail. If you can incapacitate it with flames for long enough you can grab a look and use it to achieve victory.

Step 7: The Ultimate Danger?–The Ursa Major is commonly considered the most deadly and hardest to destroy of all bears. It is a constellation made out of giant balls of fire. Harming this bear has long been the quest of many “closet” bear hunters, unfortunately none have come back victorious, or alive. If I had to give advice on how to destroy it, I would say one should attempt to make the universe collapse into itself, thus eliminating the galaxy in which Ursa Major resides – and maybe a couple of others.