1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…..
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,”Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? (Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me) (I know there’s a logical explanation, but it escapes me)
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? (needed to think about that one)
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!# ?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and you succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a few payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older perrson is a younger person wondering, “What the hell happened?”
22. Just remember-if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn you butt tomorrow.
25. One Out of Four People in This Country is Mentally Unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends… If they seem okay, then You’re the ONE.
    NOTE: Not sure to which country this is referring to, but it’s funny anyway. ^_^

Best Joke in the world
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Second Place
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Top joke in USA
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Top joke in Canada
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Belgium
Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks

Top joke in Germany
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

Top joke in UK
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Top Joke in England
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

Top Joke in Wales
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”

Top Joke in Northern Ireland
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

Well, fear not, hopeless lamer, I, a certified geek, will give you a rundown of how to pass as a geek for brief moments. Understand, these tactics will in no way work over the long term, like, say, a marriage. But in quick social exchanges, or to bamboozle your cow-orker, these tricks should work sufficiently to help you fool the rest of us into thinking that you’re one of us:

One of the chief attributes of geeks, and intellectuals in general, is attitude. No, attitude doesn’t MAKE you a geek, but that’s not the point of this article. The point here is to FAKE it. And to fake it, you have to feign interests and opinions, and then be smugly confident that your “choices” are superior to the mainstream’s.

Scott Adams, creator of the “Dilbert” comic strip, has a chapter in one of his books about enhancing your aura at work by posing as a “prima-donna”, which is very similar in tactics to this article. Here again, it’s all about the pretended-to attitude.

What defines geeks the most is the range of interests. Use these tricks to speak in the tribal tongue of geeks:

Math: Of course, if you have a calculator, use it. Geeks do that, too. It isn’t about being able to do complex calculations in your head; it’s about using the techie tools to free up your brain for less mundane functions. And by all means, top the other person in arcanity of equipment. If they have a Radio Shack, whip out a Texas Instruments. If they have a Texas Instruments, unclip your slide-rule. Facing a slide-rule? They make portable abacuses! Slide your beads around on your abacus and comment how you saw these things in a whole new light after you read Feynman about computing cube roots on them.

Primes: All prime numbers end in 1, 3, 7, and 9. Just remember those numbers, and look at the last digit of prices, bus numbers, etc. When you encounter one, remark to your companion, “Hey, I think that’s prime”. Odds are good, provided the number is short enough, that you’ll be right. When you work it out on the calculator, even if you were wrong, you will at least get points for the informed hunch.

Counting bases: Learn these words: Binary, Octal, Hexadecimal. Binary is ones and zeros. Octal uses zero thru seven. Hexadecimal uses all the standard numbers, plus the letters A through F. Upon encountering, say, a phone number 455-6102, ask, “Is that in decimal or octal?” Point at the license plate AD3 61F and comment that that’s a number in “hex”. Motel rooms on the first floor, such as 101, 110, etc. are prompts to point and chuckle: “Look, they even number in binary!” It doesn’t matter that you have no idea what you’re talking about. Don’t go out on a limb and try to convert to normal numbers.

Computer Systems: That elite snobbery comes out the hardest in this subject. It’s easy, all you have to do is pretend to hate the mainstream choices: Windows, AOL, Intel. Assert Windows is inferior to (pick one or more) Linux, Unix, BeOS, or Macintosh. Act sympathetic upon hearing an email addy ending in “@AOL.com” and say, “Any idea when they’re gonna put cable modem in your area?” Snort at Intel commercials and chortle “Give me an AMD Duron any day!” It doesn’t matter, again, that you have no idea what you’re talking about. When challenged for an explanation, pick any random nonsense and string it together. Insist that your choice is faster, more secure, less expensive, conductive to open source, more efficient, or whatnot. This is exactly how real live conversations between geeks defending their favorite software/hardware go all the time. The point is that you’re faking an opinion. Like any random geek, you could still be full of hooey.

Now, when it comes to operating systems, the Geekosphere (I coined it! It’s mine! You heard it here first!) has jelled around Linux and BSD. When it comes to Linux distros, you win points the older and more obscure your distro is. Simply look up the history of computing and pick machines and systems going back in 5-year increments; or just learn this phrase: “I run Yggdrasil on a PDP-11. Boy, it was a bitch installing all that from tape!” You’ll need a snorkel to breathe underneath the pile of groupies that will sack you. *Any* BSD distro is obscure. The mere name “BSD 386″ instantly repels suits like garlic repels vampires.

Software: Games: Any popular computer game will do just fine here, but tend to shy away from the “Sim” genre. Some geeks like Sims, some don’t. But almost any geek has at least taken a crack at any game ending in “quest” or “craft”, and first-person-shooters. Bonus for enthusing about Myst, Schizm, etc. Claim to have solved Riven in a single day. RPGs stand for Role Playing Games, and there’s about 999 flavors of them, and they all copy the original Dungeons and Dragons game. The upshot is that if you mumble something about your level 97 (human | troll | elf | hobbit | orc | halfling) (rogue | ranger | warrior | wizard | mage | necromancer | priest | dunadin | paladin), you will easily pass for a devotee of (Rogue | Nethack | Angband | Diablo | DandD-Classic) without too much trouble.

Applications: While there is the obvious prejudice for emacs, vi, Gimp, Adobe, Mozilla, Firefox, and etc., you’re just as well off here letting the other person name a software tool that they use, then caw, “Get a REAL program!”

Programming: Learn not only the names of these programming languages, but the order in which I present them: Basic, Cobol, Pascal, Ada, C, Java, Lisp, Perl, Python, Ruby, Assembler. These are listed in order of “least cool” to “most cool”. Now you know what to do. Whenever the person you’re talking to name-drops any language on this list, simply pick the next one and assert that this is what YOU prefer. What to do if you meet an assembler programmer? Act like any other geek: impressed! Bug them to teach you how to write a tic-tac-toe game that uses artificial intelligence in assembler. Stand and pretend to absorb their explanation in one shot. Shake your head in marvel and mutter, “And all that time, I was trying to do it the hard way!”

Here’s another thing if you’re out-trumped by somebody who knows multiple programming languages, including the coolest: make one up! Yes, it’s true, there are more languages and variants out there than any human being could possibly keep track of, and new ones get invented all the time. Just call it something like “B/arg3″ or “Modico” and claim that it combines the best features of (insert random language #1) and (insert random language #2). The geek you’re talking to will simply assume that they’ve missed the relevant Slashdot articles. Cover up line: “It just reached ‘break-even’ point last month.”

Pretend you like these: TV shows: Babylon V, Star Trek, Carnivale. When you meet a B5 fan, claim ST. Claim B5 to ST fans. Meet a fan of both, ask if they’ve seen Carnivale. No, Carnivale isn’t true geek fare, but it’s high-brow enough that you’ll pass as one who has “burnt out” on the science fiction genre temporarily. Gain extra points by dropping “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” or “X-Files” into the conversation. Avoid “Sliders” and “Quantum Leap”, they died on cancellation. Don’t even claim affection for “Firefly”, because Firefly is so supercool, even it’s fans disown it for fear of being flamed by the other fans. It’s like the name of a diety: never say it out loud.

Movies: Original Star Trek movies, Lord of the Rings movies (but be sure to mention that they came CLOSE to re-creating the books), Highlander, the Fifth Element, Minority Report, Blade Runner, Alien (deny ever having seen the sequels), Sneakers, marginal reference to the Star Wars series (all geeks have seen Star Wars movies, but seldom RAVE about them), any Monty Python movie, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and anime. Beware of wanna-be fodder that’s marketed to geeks (and which some geeks, sadly, fall for), such as Hackers, Trekies, Wargames, Short Circuit, and The Matrix series. And whatever you do, don’t use the Rocky Horror one unless you’re sure that the other person _isn’t_ a Rocky Horror fan, because the last thing you want to do is be caught not having every single line, song, and nuance from this movie memorized.

Hobbies: The more obscure, the better. You can always start out with the standard model-building, model railroads, chess, Medievalism. But since geeks love being narrow, beleaguered minorities, don’t let that stop you from picking increasingly more esoteric interests, until you’re assured that the person you’re talking to will never be able to trip you up on cross examination. Instead of crossword, say cryptic. Instead of chess, say go. Instead of tennis, say fencing. Best is to find something that NOBODY ELSE IN THE ROOM HAS HEARD OF. Including interests of your own sole invention. Tell me “I collect cephalopod footprint fossils.” doesn’t hush the room.

Books to leave out on the coffee table: Comics: Dilbert, Bloom County, The 5th Wave, The Far Side, and ANY super-hero comic, Marvel being preferably cooler to DC. What matters in comic books isn’t which one, but that you, a grown adult with a job, like ANY of them enough to own one.

Other: Any book with pictures of the following on the cover: robots, vampires, barbarians, castles, aliens, UFOs, other planets, mythical beings (i.e. elves, unicorns, dragons), galaxies, spaceships, and equations. Bonus points acquire for each of these items on the cover of the same book. It doesn’t matter what the title is, or whether it’s fiction or non-fiction.

Science names to drop: Buckminster Fuller, Richard Feynman, Stephen W. Hawking, Isaac Asimov, Benjamin Franklin, Blaise Pascal. Einstein is too mainstream.

Good luck, and remember to think of me when you get to third base with that Silicon Valley groupie!

Source: How to Totally Fake Being a Geek

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”

3. Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”

4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”

7. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”

8. Practice making fax and modem noises.

9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.

10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

11. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”

12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.

13. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.

14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”

16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.

17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.

18. Honk and wave to strangers.

19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.

20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

21. type only in lowercase.

22. dont use any punctuation either

23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
“DO YOU HEAR THAT?”
“What?”
“Never mind, it’s gone now.”

25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.

27. Ask people what gender they are.

28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

30. Sing along at the opera.

31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.

32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead.”
Woody Allen.

“I like children – fried.”
WC Fields.

“Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.”
Jim Carrey.

“Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can’t remember what they are.”
Matt Lauer (on NBC’s Today Show).

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
Steven Wright (…more Steven Wright Quotes).

“Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can’t believe I paid ninety-six dollars and I’m still hungry.”
Mike Kalin.

“Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favourite food is seconds.”
Joan Rivers.

“A winkle is just a bogey with a crash helmet on.”
Mick Miller.

“I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.”
Eddie Izzard.

“I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
Steven Wright.

“We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”
Dan Quayle.

“I’m a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed.”
Bruce Lee.

“What’s on your mind, if you’ll forgive the overstatement?”
Fred Allen.

“Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?”
John Mendosa.

“Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.”
Will Rogers.

“College atheletes used to get a degree in bringing your pencil.”
Ruby Wax.

“If a man is a fool, you don’t train him out of being a fool by sending him to university. You merely turn him into a trained fool, ten times more dangerous.”
Desmond Bagley.

“Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.”
Pablo Picasso.

“Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.”
Rich Cook.

“Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.”
Rita May Brown.

“All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You’d be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.”
Isaac Asimov.

“To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.”
Paul Ehrlich.

“UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.”
Dennis Ritchie.

“The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.”
Al Goodman.

“The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit.”
Eric Porterfield.

That is why we have extra-curricular activities, vacations, hobbies etc. to take us out of sometimes boring mundane lives.

Browsing around in Powerbooks, I found a book titled, ‘This Book Will Change Your Life Again!’ by Benrik Limited.

The book instructs everyone, who gets hold of it, to follow the instructions indicated per day to make their lives more fun. ^^ Instructions included are not to be taken lightly for some are either twisted or weird in context and may degrade one’s ego but the fun is in there! LOL

The book is not of cheap value here in the Philippines, but I was able to get a copy of it (my poor wallet -_-). As a treat to the other members of Winglica, I’m placing some of the instructions here for fun. It would depend on you if you are to follow them seriously. But the most important value here is to have fun and laugh to yourself or with others

DISCLAIMER: The following instructions are not from me. They are from the book.

NOTE: Winglica will not be held liable for any harm that may come from following the instructions. Members will be held responsible for their own actions. So please still be cautious of your actions. Just a friendly warning. ^^

* To learn more of Benrik, visit this homepage.

• Parasite Day
  In our intricate society, there are many opportunities for free-riding. Today see if you can live literally at the expense of others.
  * Hitchhike a free ride in other people’s cars.
  * In restaurants, finish other people’s leftovers.
  * Listen to the radio from someone else’s set.
  * Watch TV through someone else’s window.
  * Enjoy the conversation of complete strangers.
  * Read books or newspapers over other people’s shoulders.
• World Domination Day
  Make your plans in advance in case you need them
  * Your title: ___ Emperor ___ Supreme Ruler ___ Generalissimo ___ Other
  * Site of your world capital: ___ Paris ___ Washington ___ Beijing ___ Other
  * Capital to be renamed after: ___ You ___ Your Mom ___ Your Pet ___ Other
  * Enemies to be liquidated:
  * Friends to be promoted:
  * Countries to be abolished:
  * Planets to be subjucated:
  * Number of slaves in your harem:
  * Number of cars in your garage:
  * Number of jets in your personal fleet:
  * Catchphrase: ___ I rule for no one (but me) ___ An iron fist in an iron glove ___ Kill first, torture later ___ Other
• Today, apologize for something your ancestors did.
• Today, smile inappropriately
  Aren’t you sick of smiling inappropriately? Who is it that tells you when to smile anyway? Corporate advertisers for the great toothpaste market are making millions from linking normal life with appropriate smiling. So today disrupt their marketing ploys by smiling when you shouldn’t. Smile when you hear bad news. Smile when you hear something offensive. Smile when a baby cries. Just smile, and smile and smile your face off, but only when you shouldn’t. Let them make a marketing campaign of that. You will either be applauded for being enigmatic or they will just incarcerate you for being a psychopath. And if they do, just smile.
• Today infect someone
  We are all covered in germs, whether bacteria, protozoa, fungi or viruses. It is useless to fight it; instead, today, embrace our germ-ridden nature and pass some of yours on to the next guy. Shake hands, cough, hug, kiss – do whatever it takes to pass the bacterial love…
• Today write a letter to your future self.
• Today do everything in slow motion.
  
  The reason movies show dramatic events in slow motion isn’t just to let us see the details. Accidents and other high-stress situations are actually experienced in slow motion. Scientists speculate that the rush of adrenalin alters our brain’s perception of time – what the Greeks called tachypsychia or distortion of the “speed of the mind.” Those Greeks!
• Make a sticker of any of the ff and place it on your back.
  * I’m Lonely. Please talk to me.
  * Today is my Birthday!
  * STOP following me.
  * AMNESIAC. If you recognize me, let me know.

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